Update: Recovery Day 19

"We are going to have to let the truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us." -Beth Moore

I thought this process was hard from the minute I walked through the door, but this week it was fucking brutal.  There was no amount of success that could conquer the demons and challenges that seemed to overtake my world.  There were at least 50 times that I wanted to quit: sign a 72 hour (or maybe not), discharge, and go home.  But it wasn't home that I wanted to go back to - it was my eating disorder and the comfort of control.  Instead of running, I am fighting.  Because the next time I go home, I want to return a whole person, not just pieces of a body that I've destroyed for a peace of mind I'll never find inside of destructive behaviors.

For this update, I want to give you a little insight into my world in treatment.  A little bit of the good and a little bit of the bad.  So, here's a few of the challenges and successes from the week.

I took my first snack pass.  I went with a peer to a smoothie bar in Colorado.  The woman who helped us was overly helpful to a fault.  She pointed out where the caloric value was on the menu, which smoothies had more protein than others, etc.  However, I was able to stick to my meal plan and order what my dietitian and I had discussed in advance.  About 3/4 of the way through the smoothie, I felt overly full and wasn't willing to finish the snack, my peer had similar feelings.  For a brief moment, we realized no one would know if we didn't complete our snack.  However, we ended up holding one another accountable, being partners in recovery, and completing the snack together.  This felt like a huge success.  After walking around for a few minutes, the discomfort of being full passed, and we returned to program feeling accomplished.

A really huge challenge for me this week has been a meal increase.  Adding even more food into my diet was a struggle seeing as I've been struggling with the amount they require I eat already, but maintaining a healthy weight is a priority and eating a certain amount of food is required to maintain that weight.  I wasn't able to complete any meals for two days immediately after the increase, which was a huge frustration.  However, the meal increase was partially my own fault and I have to take accountability for that.  When you first arrive at Eating Recovery Center, you're asked to refrain from exercising completely to take away any behavior that may be disordered.  I have not followed that rule and as such have continued to lose weight while being in treatment.  I came forward about this behavior this week and have since stopped exercising.  However, taking away that coping skill (the relief from fullness, the awareness that your body is burning off some of what you ate, the endorphins) has made this week that much harder.

I'm learning to use my voice here.  They preach that a lot.  I don't do things in a small way.  Yesterday I used my voice with the clinical director.  I was scared shitless, but knowing I was heard to the highest level of authority felt amazing.  I  also felt like, if I can do that - if I can request a meeting with a woman I've met twice and tell her exactly how I feel in a clear and concise manner - what can't I do?

From 6-10 each night we are free to use our time as we please as long as we are following specific rules and guidelines set forth to maintain a recovery focused environment such as no drinking, no hiking, etc.  One night this week I went to target to get some bandages and Neosporin.  The Bandaids happen to be on the same aisle as the laxatives which was really difficult, but being able to avoid that behavior while being alone and knowing that no one would have found out felt really good.  On a different night, I went with a friend to a play which was super exciting and just fun!!

I'm sure there are a million other things that have happened this week, this feels like just a glimpse.  When you spent 11 hours a day/7 days a week in treatment, talking about your feelings and working through your entire life story, you have a lot of emotions just running around.  But this is a pretty good screen shot of my life lately.  I've been writing back to letters I've received so keep an eye on your mailboxes!  Thanks again for all of the support - I'll keep updating as time permits.

"Be kind to your body and critical of our society's devotion to thinness."

Update: Recovery Day 5

"This scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity.  That's it.  It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love."  - Emily McDowell

Today is day 5 in recovery.  Five days of food.  Five days of being pushed to my limits.  Five days of not restricting.  Five days of no laxatives.  Five days without exercise.  Five days without vomiting.  Five days of intense feeling.  Five days of being fully aware of my body for every single second.  Five days of discovery, reality, and down right hard work.  To say that this has been hard is a gross understatement.  Every minute is a challenge.  From sitting at a table staring and what my eating disorder tells me is a ridiculous amount of food to the challenge of feeling full and not being able to engage in a behavior to relieve that feeling.  I am learning my eating disorder was more than just my friend, it was my identity.  However, I am also learning that recovery is realistic, if I really want it.

One lesson I'm learning in a really tough way here is to surrender my perfectionism.  I certainly don't have it all together.  And while I am GREAT at having an eating disorder, hiding an eating disorder, and taking care of my eating disorder, I'm not so perfect at telling my eating disorder that I'd like my life back now.  Because my eating disorder got really comfortable with bullying me and I'm really good at giving in.  In my first 5 days here, I've been on the smallest meal plan the dietitians offer, in efforts to ease your way in to eating again.  Even on that smallest meal plan, I've only completed every single meal in a day once.  And I haven't gone a single day without crying at the table, struggling with feelings of fullness and worries of the changes occurring now that I am refueling my body, along with other struggles.  Eventually they will add more food to my plate and that scares the shit out of me.  But I've learned that none of these negative things matter.  Because at Eating Recovery Center we don't talk about our failures.  We celebrate our victories.  And the victory is, I might not be able to finish every meal, but I tried.  And I might feel full and have awful thoughts about myself, but I'm recognizing that those thoughts are my eating disorder, not reality.  And this week, what I'm most celebrating and extremely grateful for is this: no matter how hard it gets, I'm ready to fight because I feel worth it and not only are those words okay to say, they should be said, over and over and over again.

I feel worth it.

One thing we're really big on here is giving gratitude for the people who are aiding in your recovery.  Someone who may have just lifted your spirits or lent a hand when you really needed it or maybe encouraged you to attend a group you wouldn't have tried on your own.  So right now I just want to give gratitude to my wife, Jordan.  Because I needed help a lot more than I realized.  Being here is important and is quite possibly saving my life.  She pushed me to seek out a higher level of care in the most caring and supportive way imaginable.  I know this is hard for her too, but she's been supportive the entire way and I could not be more grateful to have someone like that by my side along this journey.

Finally, I just want to say that I love hearing from everyone!  Kind words and encouragement really do help me get through the day.  That being said, engaging in conversations about food and/or my body is really hard at this point.  I'm working very hard to normalize food and body image in my life, but for right now I'd like to redirect those conversations to almost any other topic.  I really appreciate respect for this boundary because by doing so all of you are aiding in my recovery!

Imperfect Weight-Loss Journey

"You are imperfect.  Permanently and inevitably flawed.  And you are beautiful." -Amy Bloom

When people find out that I have lost 86 pounds since April 2014, the first question is always "what did you do?"  I weighed 218 pounds.  I now weigh 132 pounds.  I'm a size 4.  Nearly every part of my body is smaller down to my ring size.  It's natural to be curious.  Everyone is looking for that magic pill or the magic system.  My answer is always the same "I just ate healthier, drank only water, and exercised - nothing drastic."  However, that isn't the whole truth.

My weight loss started extremely healthy.  I began by just decreasing portion size (I was grossly over eating before), attending spin classes at the gym, and substituting sodas for water.  Not surprising, this worked.  I lost a few pounds and had more energy.  However it took a month to lose 5 pounds!  That seemed grueling for the amount of work I was putting in.  I stuck with this regiment, but decided to add more vegetables and cut out more snack foods - that month I lost 7 pounds.  I was happier with these results but knew I could do more.  Slowly this mindset turned into unhealthy behaviors.  I began skipping meals, restricting foods when I did eat, and using laxatives to reduce the waiting period between the time the food goes in and the time it comes out. I tried to fill up on water and I thought about food way too much.  I became afraid of certain foods - there were things I didn't want to eat just because they were fattening.  I was eventually diagnosed with disordered eating (which is different and less severe than an eating disorder).  I started seeing a nutritionist who helped put into perspective how much food our bodies need each day.  She also showed me all of the reasons why MyFitnessPal is the devil and helped me make better decisions for my body.  However, it's still really hard.  I'm still not there yet.  I still have a box of laxatives on standby at all times just in case I eat "too much."  I freak out if I have too much "gross food" too close together.  I don't eat three meals a day and sometimes I don't eat at all.  Every day is decisions and a choice and a struggle.

What I lost sight of was the beauty that lies within women.  Everything came down to calories and fat and not the things I actually value in others around me such as kindness and patience.  We matter on the inside and we have to trust that our bodies do not define us.  There are imperfections that will change and develop as we get older.  Nothing stays the same physically even just from day to day.  Letting go of our inability to control our bodies and simply committing to wellness is a much healthier way to live our lives.  I am beautiful despite what I believe makes me unbeautiful. That is difficult to believe, especially for me right now, but I am diligently working towards a commitment to wellness rather than a commitment to my eating disorder.  

At 132 pounds, I would not consider myself "thin." Losing more weight wouldn't kill me.  However, doing it the wrong way could.  Choosing to treat your body right is important and that choice starts with the decision to treat yourself right.  So embark on that weight-loss journey!  I support it!  But be safe, happy, and healthy about it.  (Sidebar: if you're looking for a super healthy and safe kickstarter for weight loss, talk to my friend Sarakate Eubanks about Isagenix by clicking here.)

"When did creating a flawless facade become a more vital goal than learning to love the person who lives inside your skin?  The outside belongs to others.  Only you should decide for you what is perfect."  -Ellen Hopkins

Because Today Might Hurt...

We are allowed to break.  Humans aren't meant to be invincible.  I had a therapist that once explained emotions to me like this: when we suppress our emotions, they go to the basement and lift weights.  That is to say that when we don't allow ourselves to feel, our feelings get stronger.  The opposite side of that coin is when we don't take steps towards healing, we get weaker.  We can go to therapy and listen to what our therapist has to say, but if we don't implement those suggestions then we ourselves are choosing defeat.  It's like hiring a personal trainer and then never working out using what you've learned from them.  You might have learned how to do the perfect workout, but you'll never get any stronger.  So what happens when our emotions are working out and we aren't?  

I am never alone in Asheville.  I have two dogs that remind me they need food, water, walks, play time, and cuddles.  I have a wife that reminds me her belly is hungry, she ran out of fruit and bread for her lunches that week, some bill came in the mail and she isn't sure what it's for, and oh yeah - I work and go to school too.  I had friends and fun, but life kept me busy when extra curricular activities didn't.  Greensboro has been a wake up call in that respect.  The first week I moved here, I had no friends, very little time spent at work, and aside from settling into my apartment and resting up from the ridiculous amount of driving, packing, moving, unloading, unpacking, etc I had just done - not a whole lot to do.  I have Milo with me, but one dog is significantly easier to take care of than two, not to mention he is much calmer than Lucy.  If you want to talk about an emotion that didn't get exercised in Asheville, it was loneliness.  Then all of the sudden, I move and I'm alone.  That's where we find out how strong our emotions are when we aren't. My weakness gave rise to something I wasn't prepared for.  I got really sad and I gave into the emotions which isn't healthy.  This starts a cycle of negative feedback, but we can break it.  We just have to choose to.

I chose to get up and take my dog to the park.  It got me out of the house and away from the walls I'd been staring at for the past few days.  We met strangers and even though they only stopped for a few minutes each to chat about how adorable and well behaved Milo was (proud mom moment), they talked.  That human connection sparked something that said "I'm not alone, I just can't sit at home and expect people to come find me." 

We have to acknowledge that our hurts, no matter what they are, what emotion we're feeling, and how deep they run, they don't have to control or consume us.  We aren't alone.  We aren't our emotion.  But we can't change how we feel if we don't acknowledge the feeling and then seek to change it.  We can't just try once - a commitment to wellness is what our lives demand.  A commitment to wellness is specific.  It is a plan.  For example, I will walk my dog in the park once a week because seeing new faces makes me happy.  I will take my medication every day as prescribed.  I will eat dinner outside on Tuesdays in hopes of meeting someone that lives in my apartment complex.  I will journal about my experience of trying to make new friends.  Your plan can be anything that helps you achieve the opposite emotion of what you're feeling.  But have a plan and stick to it because that will pull you through on the days you can't make up your mind for yourself.

All in all, emotions kinda suck.  They're hard to cope with and even harder to challenge.  We are wired to feel certain things and when we don't want to feel them, our minds and our hearts just don't understand why we're rebelling against the feeling it's given you to hold on to.  But emotions are valuable and we can learn so much about ourselves from listening to them, allowing ourselves to feel them, and then moving into a positive direction.

So today might hurt.  And tomorrow might hurt too.  And yes, I'm still lonely dammit.  But I know I won't be forever.  And that's called hope.  Hope is all we can ask for and all we should need.  

Show Up: A Letter to My Mom

Dear Mom,

Losing a husband is probably the most painful thing you've experienced in your life thus far.  While it feels far too young to be labeled a widow, you've lived long enough to know that we are not in control of the things that happen in our lives.  Today, I'm not writing to say that I understand your pain or that I'm sorry for your loss.  I'm not writing to tell you not to worry about me or that everything is going to be okay.  Today I'm writing to do that thing that I do when everything feels bad - I don't have answers, I just have perspective and compassion.

Three days ago you lost the man you shared everything with.  When you share everything with someone, that means they share everything with you too.  Which means when you lose them, they can try to take a piece of you with them.  That's okay.  You're allowed to hurt and feel sad and even lay on the bathroom floor sobbing if that is what you feel.  However, you have to do those things you feel and the things you don't feel too.  Make yourself smile at least once a day, even if it's not a real one.  Make yourself eat a meal or two.  Make yourself a hot cup of tea because it feels good.  Go outside.  Cuddle your dog.  Anything that's happy, do that.  But most importantly, show up.

Show up, mom.  Not just for meetings or work or doctor's appointments because those things aren't really all that important.  Show up for life.  Remember that there are flowers outside and stop to smell them.  Make that cup of tea extra sweet just so you can taste the honey and think about the bees that made.  Think about dreams you've had and never fulfilled.  Pick one.  Try it.  Dream of something impossible and write about it.  Take a pottery class.  Try something new.  Go on a vacation to somewhere you've always wanted to go.  Or somewhere you've never wanted to go.  Be amazing because you ARE!

You don't have to do it all today.  You don't have to change the world or save lives or enroll in pottery class or become a bee keeper this month.  But make that cup of tea today.  Tomorrow do the same thing, but drink it outside.  Healing happens one step at a time.  I know you are strong, but you don't have to be right now.  Just take some time to take care of you and make sure that you show up.

I'm so very proud to call you my mother and I'm so very hurt over the pain that you're in, but I am so very thankful for the eleven years you had to love this man.  Tomorrow may not be good, but it can be better.  I love you, mom.  Show up.

In Loving Memory

Father. Friend. Husband. Hero.

As we walk through life we often are given titles.  Some of them are birthrights, such as our name.  Some of them we gain, and have to maintain, such as becoming a husband or wife.  And some of them are more special than that.  Some titles speak to our very existence and the things we've chosen to be.  An act of being, in my opinion, is the greatest thing one can do with their lives.  And in the case of my step-father, Tim, he knew how to "be." 

I described his life earlier this week as a life well lived.  By that I mean he did things with the time he had.  He enjoyed it.  He laughed.  He loved.  He found reasons to appreciate bad situations and celebrated good ones.  But most of all he did good things.  He devoted his life to the military (air force).  He also specialized in martial arts.  He spent his life teaching his art to children in efforts to keep them engaged and off of the streets.  Tim was not a force to be reckoned with.  But neither was he as tough as anyone believed.  He was a gentle soul that was truly compassionate.

Disease comes fast.  I saw my step father on May 6 and he said "don't try to come see me in this hospital bed without a peppermint patty." In very good spirits, in okay condition.  I saw him again on June 1, in not very good condition, but still the nurses and doctors told us recovery was possible.  Four days later, recovery was no longer possible.  

There are things to be learned here and Tim would want that, so let us not forget:

1. Live your life, and live it well.  You get one chance and you don't know when it ends.  Recovery may seem possible, but in four days it may be over... don't stop where you are.  Don't let good enough, be good enough because it absolutely isn't.  No matter what the endeavor, if you've stopped before surpassing your goals, you've stopped too soon.  Live life well - and don't wait to start doing so.

2. What do you want your title to be?  Find what it is that you love and embrace that.  Are you a fighter or a hero or a mother or a video gamer?  Whatever it is, be great at what you do.  Never stop asking questions and never stop asking for more.

3. Finally, never lose your love.  Ambition is wonderful and important, but don't forget to pursue it with love in your heart and kindness in your eyes.  

As we move forward and discover what life is like with one less person in it, our hearts can remember what we've learned from someone that did so much for so many people.  

Doing what he loved in the school he built.

New Beginnings

"Life is either a great adventure or nothing." -Helen Keller

Today is the day.  Today I will turn in my notice and begin preparing for a new adventure.  Although, I'm not quite sure how to feel about it.  I'm very sad to leave my home here in Asheville.  I believe that I live in the most beautiful city in North Carolina and making the decision to give that up has been incredibly emotional for me.  I've also invested myself in new friendships that I'm not prepared to leave.  I have some amazing people in my life here.  I have the type of friends I know I can call at 11pm and say "I'm lost somewhere in Tennessee and my phone is about to die, can you tell me how to get home?" (yes, this has actually happened) and they're always there - not only giving directions, but also lending support to keep me calm.

Asheville is also quite the resourceful area.  Nature is our playground here.  I will miss being able to step outside, point any direction, decide that's where I'd like to explore and know that something amazing awaits me.  I've seen waterfalls, rivers, mountain tops, mile high swinging bridges, ziplines, kayaks, wild bears, you name it - we've done it!  And it was all so beautiful.  The amazing things we've discovered in this city have captured my heart and truly become a part of who I am.  These are much more than activities - it becomes a way of life.  Leaving that saddens me.

However, sometimes life hits you and it says "it's time."  Maybe it's not forever, but it is for right now.  I'm going to be with my family while they experience some pretty tough changes.  It will be nice to be close by when the tragic phone calls come rather than 3 hours away knowing there's nothing you can do to help.  I'll be in school there, I'll work there, and hopefully I'll find something to love about it as much as I love Asheville.

So, here's to 3 more weeks of fitting in every last adventure I can.  And then here's to beginning a new one...