A Solo Hike

Yesterday was my first, dietitian approved, solo hike.  I can't explain how hard I worked, relentlessly asking and always being told "not this week."  It's discouraging to put in work, week after week, and to always be told no to the things that are important to you.  I knew I wasn't ready the many many times I was asking before.  I wasn't even sure I was ready this time.  I tried it once without permission.  It went terribly wrong.  I picked a 6 mile out and back that was completely up hill on the out and completely downhill on the back (if any of you are familiar with Looking Glass Rock, you'll know what I mean).  I practically ran the downhill.  Only stopped once on the up.  I completed the hike in 2.5 hours and I felt incredibly accomplished.  That is, my eating disorder felt accomplished.  Meaning, Leah had failed.  Miserably.  

This time was much different.  I planned my day.  I chose a gentle, 3 mile hike.  I set an intention to walk slower than I thought was necessary because even if it was okay to keep a quick pace that didn't mean I had to.  I chose to notice things along the way and really take in my surroundings.  I stopped a lot along the way to view different parts of the river, little mini falls.  There was one small climb at the end which I took slowly and never got short of breath.  And then I was rewarded with the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  It was definitely something from a fairy tale.  And I knew that the universe was saying "well done."  

Then there was a choice to be made.  There was an extension.  An exciting adventure extension that definitely was not an approved level of movement.  It was a rock climb straight up to the top of this beautiful fall.  It included ropes and ladders and all sorts of cool things that make my little kid self get overly excited.  I was more than tempted.  I stared at it for a long time.  A very long time.  I can't explain how much it hurt this large part of me that is consumed so much by an eating disorder that it has just become the eating disorder to say "no, you can do that another day.  This isn't the last time you'll ever go on a hike.  We're going home."  I felt sad, initially, walking away from this awesome adventure.  But the more distance I created, the more I began to take pride in my self-control.  I have a really good friend that I call for help in situations like this.  I don't have cell service in the woods, so I just asked myself what she would say.  COSA would have kept reminding me that, because I'm nourishing my body and caring for myself, I'm more certain that tomorrow is a day I'll be gifted with, as is next week and next month.  I'll have plenty of time to take plenty of adventures.  And it would probably be more fun to share that adventure with someone that I care about.  Today, I'm caring for my body.  That means picnics at waterfalls and gentle hikes with my dog.  But my adventure wasn't any less of an adventure just because I chose to stick to the guidelines I was given.  That made me strong and brave.  I imagined COSA then making a few funny jokes or some puns because she's the greatest for those and then she would have changed the topic because she would want me to get out of my head.  So, that's exactly what I did.

When you're faced with a choice that you have to make all by yourself and no one is around to know whether or not you made the right decision - that's probably the hardest time to do the right thing.  Walking away from something you really want that you know is wrong for you and you know that no one would know about takes a lot of courage.  I can stand on the other side of this experience and say that mustering up the courage is really freaking worth it.  The feeling you get later when you get to share with your friends and family that you stuck to your values and you did the right thing, it's lovely.  The feeling you have in your soul that you know you overcame your own demons and you were in control for a day, that's priceless.

I'm really proud of how well yesterday went.  I'm grateful to all of the supports who've helped me get to this point in my recovery.  I'm looking forward to more mindful woodland adventures.  I know that I won't be perfect every time and that there's always room for improvement, but taking each day, one at a time keeps me focused on being able to conquer that challenge.

When Self-Love Whispers

I was making my breakfast this morning when I caught a glimpse of my legs. The reflection on the refrigerator door made me stop. I turned a couple different directions, checking them out and then I did something that I struggle to do. Something that almost never happens for me. I said "daaaaamn girl!" My legs aren't bony anymore. I no longer have the thigh gap. They're pale like the rest of me. Bruised from my many outdoor adventures. But man, am I in love with them today. I might not like them tomorrow. I don't even remember my feelings towards them yesterday. But today my confidence whispered to me and I can't explain the feeling.

I've been waiting for this day. I've been told it happens but I never really believed it. It's the day that I don't hate everything about myself. The day that I can love a small part of me without starving me. It's here...and that means recovery is possible. That means hope.

So I have some thoughts around all of this that I really just wanted to share with the world...

First, there's no guidebook to life. We've all heard that but I'm finding more and more each day that my process is a strange one and hardly ever makes sense, until it actually makes sense. Figuring out who you are, how you want to be, how to love yourself, or how you want to live, well, there's really no way TO figure it out. I've realized that making the best decisions in the moment has carried me to the best places in life. Sometimes the best decision is to plan. Sometimes the best decision is to let life lead me along. It's okay to not have answers and it's even more okay for all of that to be scary and overwhelming.

Second, even though there's no guidebook, there are survival kits. There's no map of life, but there certainly are tools that will help you survive. Find what soothes your soul. Find what helps you hang in there when you feel like you're at the end of your rope. For me, I need tons of support people, therapy, nature, something to keep my hands busy, and reminders to breathe. My survival kit has changed through the years. I've tossed out the things I don't need anymore and picked up more effective tools along the way. Build your kit and build it well.

Finally, when you reach a peak, celebrate! You'll have lots of mountains to climb and loads of valleys to explore. In those periods of life, you'll learn about yourself. You'll be put to the test and you'll have to learn how to adapt to the situation. But when you finally make it to the top, or even just to a nice viewing point, stop to take a picture. Spend a little bit of time celebrating not only the achievement, but the journey. On a day like today, when your self-love whispers, don't just celebrate the moment, but celebrate all of the hard work that brought you to that moment.

So here's my moment: today, I love my legs. And I'm so proud.

Life After Death - A Memorial

Today is the one year anniversary of my step father's death.  Approximately a year ago, I posted the things that I learned from him in his final days.  As it turns out, I haven't actually stopped learning lessons from the guy.  And that's what I want to share with you today.

1. Do something different.

I watched my mom spend a little bit of time being really really heartbroken.  And then I watched her change.  She didn't know what was right or what was wrong, all she knew was that she needed something different because what she was doing wasn't working.  She signed up for a pottery class, took a trip to somewhere she'd never been, started doing home improvement projects.  Anything that made her feel good, she kept doing.  If it made her feel bad, she moved on to something else.  I'm not sure why we wait until we're miserable to make a change.  We can decide that we want to do something different simply because we want to or because we believe that happiness exists and that we aren't doomed to mediocrity.  So try it.  Whatever it is that you've been thinking about, do it.  And whatever that thing is in your life that you dread doing every day or week or month...just stop.  Give yourself permission to excuse yourself from unwanted tasks.

2. It's okay to be selfish, just not all the time.

We all needed different things when Tim passed.  Some of us wanted space.  Some of us wanted family.  Some of us wanted to be near the things that remind us of him while others wanted to be as far away as possible.  There were those who needed to be reminded every day that he'll never be forgotten while others wanted the thoughts of him to quiet down for just a few minutes.  The fact of the matter is, we all deal with grief differently.  And we all have to deal with our grief.  It was important to know when it's your turn.  Being selfish is completely fine.  You deserve it.  Whether you're the widow or a third cousin's friend, you get to grieve.  But also know that, through this process, you can gain so much from other's grief too.  We were stronger together.  And allowing one another to process what they needed when they needed, kept us strong.

3. Don't show up alone.

My mom has been so brave this year.  It has been incredible to watch her heal (she's still in the process, but every day is progress for her).  I wrote her a letter 3 days after his passing about how important it is to continue to show up for life, even when she doesn't feel like it.  But what I've learned from her is how much strength it takes to say "I can't show up alone today."  You guys, she's really so strong.  She wakes up every day and puts on a suit of armor and goes out to fight life like a badass, then she comes home, takes it all off and still makes time to check in about how my day is going.  She's been stubborn and independent her whole life and she's not the type of person that takes no for an answer.  To watch someone like that do that every day, one day wake up and say "today I need help," well, it's beautiful.  Seeing a strong person admit their vulnerability gave me hope.  It reminded me that it's okay to not be okay.  And I realized what I didn't know a year ago is that, while my mom has it in her to show up, she should never be expected to show up alone.  Show up, do.  But take your supports into battle with you.  If you forget your shield that day, ask if you can borrow theirs.  Let them support you.  Let them keep you safe.  Maybe the next day you'll feel strong enough to fight alone, but if you don't that's okay too.

I'm really proud of my family for this past year for various reasons, but I'm not sure this post would be complete without taking just a minute to remember what we lost.  This will be a hard day for so many people.  I have so much respect for my sisters, who have exhibited an immense amount of strength through this loss.  For their children, who keep his memory alive.  For friends and family from all around the world who never stopped sending cards, checking in with phone calls, or even writing books about how incredible he was.  From our family to yours, thank you.  We love you.  And we appreciate all you've done to support us this year.

Any Reason Not To

I've been thinking about this blog a lot lately and the idea of potentially writing again keeps fluttering by.  Then the excuses compound and "I'll write on Tuesday" turns into "I work a long day Saturday and just don't feel like it" and then the blog just never happens.  But then something happened...And I realized that this blog has given me hope in the past, and right now that's what I need.

Last week was the worst week I've had in terms of recovery since leaving treatment.  I was very honest with my treatment team about what was going on and how hard the week had been and how much I messed up.  I have a pretty firm team and while they were grateful for the honesty, they all had the same question: What's it going to take to get you back on track?  How can we make this a lapse in judgment and not a relapse into the eating disorder?  In a later conversation, I was reminded of the anniversary of my step-father's death.  It's coming and it's coming fast.  I remembered how comforting this blog was to me and my family and to so many of those around us in that time.  That spurred some reflection.  Not so coincidentally, I found that almost any time I needed an outlet, support, understanding, or to feel like I could make a small difference in the world, this blog has been there for me.  I've been feeling like I can't be successful in recovery lately.  Like it's too hard or that I'm a hopeless cause.  So it's clear to me that it's time to make time.

There's a poem I like called "Any Reason Not To" and in the poem, the poet says "because any reason not to is a good reason."  I don't know that I can write my way through every single moment of weakness, but if this blog can be my "reason not to" even just once, then it's a skill that's worked. 

So for today, I just want to tell you a story.

Last week, while at work, I met quite the quirky woman.  She was tall with gray hair and a whimsical spirit.  She was sitting in my makeup chair and we were discussing the importance of sunscreen when she announced that while she agreed sunscreen was important, it wasn't a priority for her.  I didn't question it, I just kept working.  But then she said, "I'm not worried about sunscreen because I look really great in hats!  I love to wear a big floppy hat or something sassy.  And I look so good in them."  I was immediately drawn to her.  This seemed so brave to me.  A woman who wasn't movie star beautiful, a size 00, or the CEO of a company just complimented herself...to a stranger.  And she meant it.  She appreciated something about herself and was completely comfortable with saying it out loud.  

As a society, we hate ourselves far too much.  There's not enough encouraging self talk and far too much criticism.  We create these standards and make beauty this unattainable thing, when in reality, the beauty we all hold is in the parts of us that are already there, not the things we want to change.  So, in sticking with this "any reason not to" theme - what if we found any reason not to put ourselves down?  What if we dug deep and searched for any reason not to compare our thigh fat to the model on the cover of a magazine's thigh gap?  What if we just embraced any reason not to hate our bodies?  What if we just loved ourselves...and what if we took that one step further and actually said the things we loved about ourselves and each other OUT LOUD?  

This idea of spreading self-love, self-appreciation, and self-acceptance can't hurt us, so why not try? 

A Letter to Your Insecure Self

Dear You,

Right now, you're feeling like you aren't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or just plain enough.  Right now, you're stuck in your head comparing your body, your intelligence, or your circumstances to some other person.  Right now, you feel ashamed about that extra cookie you ate at dinner or for choosing regular over diet coke.  Right now, you're feeling insecure.  And right now is the time to stop.

It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm not special or better than someone else for being able to resist potato chips at a party or choose water over soda and I'm still working on believing it.  I know that underneath my body is still me.  No matter how thin you get, you are still who you are.  No matter how tan you are, no matter how much makeup you wear, no matter how many languages you can speak - your name is still the same and my worth is still based on your intrinsic self.  Society doesn't quite see it this way.  We can talk big.  We can say we value things underneath the surface, but the fact of the matter is your Facebook news feed is still full of girls showing off how many pounds they've recently lost (guilty!) and guys snapping a picture of themselves lifting at the gym (also guilty!).

You are capable of so much more.

"You are worth so much more than your waistline.  You are worth the beautiful thoughts you think and the daring dreams you dream."  What do you care about beyond your body?  Where does your heart lie?  There is so much more to you than your body.  You are caring, kind, and compassionate.  You are loving and giving.  You are loved by so many people, not for what you are, but for who you are.  Your soul is beautiful and the world could see more of it if we laid down these insecurities and lived our lives openly, with vulnerability.

When is the last time you felt pride?  When did you allow yourself to share that with the world?  Why can't you say to the world around you "today, I feel good!'?  It's okay to feel insecure, but it's not okay to sacrifice your life over your insecurities.  Lean into the insecurity and allow yourself to meet yourself again.  Your true, authentic self.

Even though you have nothing to be insecure about, this process will be difficult.  But you are brave.  Show the world who you are beyond your body.  Embrace what you want in life.  Live the life you've always imagined.

Love,
A Confident You

Forgive Yourself

"We all have different reasons for forgetting to breathe." -Andrea Gibson

Last night I spent approximately 3 hours watching grown men pound other grown men into the walls of a hockey arena so hard that you could feel the rattle in your chest.  It was full on brutal body checking.  Body Checking.  My eating disorder has given that word a whole new meaning.  Body checking is the pinching and pulling I do in front on the mirror.  It's standing a certain way or choosing not to breathe because my self worth seems to be completely reliant on a single word: skinny.  Body checking is also the noticing.  The comparing.  Her arms don't do that, her legs have more muscle than mine.  These are thoughts that play over and over in my head.  I don't know how they all got there, but what I realized last night is that my brain and hockey aren't all that different. Every time one of those thoughts comes, it's like being thrown into a wall.  Your emotions run wild and you aren't sure how to respond.  Sometimes you aren't even sure what hit you.

In my experience, eating disorders are greatly misunderstood.  That's why I wanted to explain a little bit about body checking today.  I can't, in a single paragraph, come close to explaining how painful and awful it actually is to notice your and every one around you's bodies every minute of every day.  I simply don't have the words to convey it.  However, I can convey that it hurts and that's a start.  I haven't updated in a while and my intention today was to give a little insight into what's happening in my life.

I'm in a new treatment center.  After multiple attempts at a lower level of aftercare, we realized that I simply wasn't ready to transition to a lower level of care.  I joined the partial hospitalization program at a facility in Raleigh, NC a few weeks ago.  I'm really enjoying the program, as much as one can enjoy treatment.  They certainly push me to my edge, every single day.  It's a very "hands on" program.  You're forced to face your fears nearly every day.

This time in treatment, I have given up my right to sign myself out.  I am sticking it out until my team says it is a good time for me to return home.  I want to be committed to wellness and I know that I am not in a wise mind to make decisions for myself when I get emotional or angry about having to eat something I don't want to eat or talk about a touchy subject.  I am trusting my team to make good decisions for me and have taken the option of quitting off of the table.  I also turned in all of my laxatives and scales.  I have given up a great deal of control, however I would be lying if I said I didn't know my weight.  I was told on accident at the doctor's office prior to admitting at Carolina House and then I weighed myself once after that.  Numbers are hard, especially when they aren't what we're used to seeing.  Being forced to gain weight has been the most difficult part of this process.

I've decided to give up alcohol for the New Year.  One year of sobriety, to see how that impacts my life, my social circle, and my recovery.  I'm excited for the change, but it has been harder than I expected and I wouldn't have considered myself a heavy drinker at all before!  I'm open to any ideas of how to embrace sobriety.

I do want to end this update with a short wisdom.  I'm learning a lot in treatment and right now the biggest lesson I'm having to embrace is this: suspend judgment and forgive yourself often.  We're quick to pass judgement on ourselves.  We put ourselves down for the work we do or the choices we make.  The world does enough to make us feel bad.  Back yourself up every now and then.  Let someone else judge you, you don't have to judge you.  Forgiveness is key to getting back up after we fall.  Mistakes are inevitable.  So when you do make a mistake, get off track, or just can't hold back judgement on whatever you've done, remember to forgive yourself afterwards.  Forgive yourself and then move on.  Reliving whatever horrible thing you've only traps your soul in a space where you can't go on to do beautiful things later.  So just forgive yourself and do it often.

"You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery."

Recovery Update: Counting Down, Not Up!

"Follow all that excites your soul." -SC

Recommendation written 10/20/2015

There comes a point in recovery where you've gained all you can gain from a treatment center.  I'm not sure if I'm at that point, but my team says this feeling is normal.  My team says I'm ready.  I'm coming home on October 28 and I'm... terrified.  I have a lot of emotions.  I'm excited.  I'm pumped.  I know I'm as ready as I could possibly be.  However, leaving the cushy world of ERC where I know even when bad things happen I'm completely supported - that's scary.  But, don't worry.  I'm transitioning to a lower level of care.  I'll be home for about 5 days.  Just long enough for me to try my hardest and room for a little error.  Time for me to find my strengths, find my weaknesses, and see room for growth.  Then, I'll head to Wilmington, NC to begin the next stage of treatment which will be about 1/3 of the care that I receive now.  It's going to be good.  I know I can do it.  I also know that when I struggle, I will have a lot of support behind me.

I'm very excited to see friends and family and reconnect with people I've been away from for almost two months.  I'm also excited to share meals with people and remember how exciting that can be.  It's been a long time since walking into a restaurant felt okay (still not natural, but we're getting there).  My brain is coming back - I can have conversations without spacing out, losing my train of thought, or feeling utterly confused.  I don't repeat myself 4 times and get frustrated when people aren't understanding what I'm trying to say.  It's a life I once had and a life I'm coming back to.  I'm excited for it.  I'm motivated to achieve it.

Switching gears slightly, the quote at the top was from a goodbye card that I received from someone I met at Eating Recovery Center.  She's one of the most amazing people I've met along this journey - truly a beautiful soul.  The words have really hit me.  Follow all that excites your soul... wow.  Maybe read that again and let it sink in.  She didn't say to only follow what excites you, because we all have responsibilities that we'd rather not deal with.  But we are directed to follow everything that excites us.  What if we lived in a world where we pursued everything we thought was good, happy, or well?  Would we be living in wellness?  I love it.

So, in 4 days I'll be in North Carolina.  But there's plenty of challenges to be faced before I make it there.  This morning I have a breakfast challenge (Panera).  Tomorrow I will be cooking dinner.  And Wednesday I have to do an entire day worth of meals and snacks on my own (good vibes and happy text messages accepted that day).  

Here's to 4 more days with ERC, but a lifetime of moving towards recovery.